I'm buying an iPhone - but I can't use it.

FOX news reports that University of Missouri journalism school will require all incoming freshman to purchase an iPhone of iPod touch.

Why?

So they can listen to lectures.

"Lectures are the worst possible learning format, There's been some research done that shows if a student can hear that lecture a second time, they retain three times as much of that lecture," Associate Dean Brian S. Brooks told the Columbia Missourian.

Brooks admits that students could use any MP3 player, but the school will require the Apple devices so you and I can pay for them.

Yes, taxpayers will help foot the bill for these students’ iPhone.

"If it's required, it can be included in your financial-need estimate," Brooks told the Missourian. "If we had not required it, they wouldn't be able to do that."

Financial aid primarily consists of government backed student loans, as well as Pell grants and other federal and state aid programs. You may not find yourself completely on the hook for all of these student’s iDevices – assuming they pay off their loans, but some of your hard earned dollars will ultimately find their way to Apple’s coffers.

In a further example of convoluted statist thinking, Brooks insists the policy will cost student’s nothing, because Apple offered a back-to-school package in the past that gave students who bought an Apple laptop a coupon for a free iPod touch.

"It's not going to cost them a cent," he said.

So let me get this straight. If the student spends over $1,000 on a laptop, she can get a free iPod touch, and that constitutes not costing a cent? Not to mention that any competent Economics 101 student (granted, there aren't many of those) will tell you - nothing comes free. Somebody has to pay for it. Believe me, Apple will recoup the cost of that "free" iPod touch, and I doubt the University of Missouri will foot the bill.

And what about students that don't receive student aid? They'll have to fork out the cash themselves - whether they want an Apple product or not. Nothing like a hidden tuition increase.

But that's OK. They're probably rich kids anyway.

Brooks also admits that students could conceivably just listen to the lectures on their laptop, but he said few students do.

So because they suddenly have a different device to listen to, they will now magically find themselves motivated by the desire to listen?

Confused yet?

I am amazed that I made it all the way through journalism school with a 3.9 GPA without ever listening to a recorded lecture. I didn’t even own an iPod touch.

I must be really special.